Letting Kids Be Outside

When our kids were 7 and 5 they started walking home from school alone. We wrote explaining they were ready and giving permission, the school had a few reasonable questions, and that was it. Just kids walking home from the local public school like they have in this neighborhood for generations.

Online, however, it's common for people to write as if this sort of thing is long gone. Zvi captures a common view:

You want to tell your kids, go out and play, be home by dinner, like your father and his father before him. But if you do, or even if you tell your kids to walk the two blocks to school, eventually a policeman will show up at your house and warn you not to do it again, or worse. And yes, you'll be the right legally, but what are you going to do, risk a long and expensive legal fight? So here we are, and either you supervise your kids all the time or say hello to a lot of screens.

His post also references ~eight news stories where a family had trouble with authorities because they let their kid do things that should be ordinary, like walking to a store at age nine.

It's not just Zvi: parents who would like kids to have more freedom often focus on the risk, with the potential for police or Child Protective Services to get involved. While it's important to understand and mitigate the risks, amplifying the rare stories that go poorly magnifies their chilling effect and undermines the overall effort.

I showed the quote to our oldest, now 11 and comfortable on her own: "I sincerely doubt that a police officer would get mad at me for walking to school or to the corner store by myself."

She got to this level of comfort by spending a lot of time out in our walkable kid-friendly neighborhood. Sometimes with us, and increasingly on her own. For example it's raining today and she just came back to the house to tell me that she was grabbing rain gear and then she was going puddle jumping with two younger neighborhood kids. In a bit I'll stop writing and take her younger sister (age 3) out to join in.

Some other examples of being out alone:

• Heading to a school concert the 8yo was running late and the 10yo was getting impatient. I asked her: "you know the way, do you want to go on ahead by yourself?" She walked the half mile without issue, with her watch as backup.

• Both older kids will go to the corner store to spend their allowance (or busking money). They both started going alone around age 8.

• At age 10 our oldest worked up to taking the bus to her grandfather's in the next town over.

• Also at age 10 our oldest wanted some guacamole and we didn't have any avocados in the house. I suggested she could walk to the grocery store, about a mile away, which she did without issue.

• Yesterday our youngest, nearly four, wanted to go on her own to the park. She's not ready to do this fully on her own, but I helped her through a version where from the perspective of most other parents at the park she probably looked like she was there alone.

There have been difficult times. For example, one got lost walking to swim lessons and called me, before being helped by a parent friend walking by who happened to be going to the same class. Or, one of the first times one went to the corner store alone a patron was acting kind of crazy. And at 5yo one decided to go around the block by herself without telling us. None of these have been cases where the police or CPS were involved, however, or where that even seems likely.

It's also not just our family:

• I often see 8-10yo kids by themselves at the playground or along the community path. Our kids were out solo at slightly younger than is common in the neighborhood, but not by much.

• Another parent told me about how their 7yo (2nd grade) was walking to school on their own but kept being late despite leaving with plenty of time. The parent decided to follow at a distance and discovered they'd been stopping to play at a swingset along their route. This was all recounted as a funny "kids being kids" story.

• I asked one of my kids' friends, and they said in 4th grade (9yo) they started walking to and from school alone, about a mile.

• A neighborhood parent who describes themself as "on the cautious end" has recently started letting their 8yo go to the park alone (which doesn't require crossing any streets) but are still building up to the corner store.

In other contexts people understand that it's important to be realistic about risks, and not give undue weight to sufficiently unlikely risks. For example, here's the same writer I quoted above on the risks of misjudging a romantic situation:

That is vastly harder if you have gotten it into your head that one move too far could ruin your life. Which in theory it could, but the chances of that happening (especially if no one involved is in college) if you act at all reasonably are very low.

The chance of conflict with authorities varies based on who you are and where you live, but most of this risk-amplification is happening among demographics who are least likely to have their parenting decisions second-guessed. Still, it's worth thinking about how to reduce risk:

• Talk with the kids about how they'd respond to an adult checking in: "my dad knows I'm here and is checking on me"; "I'm going to my grandfather's house"; "if I have a problem I'll use my walkie-talkie".

• Similarly, discuss how they'd handle other scenarios. What if they get hurt? Lost? Hungry? Stuck in a tree? Feel like other kids are playing too dangerously? Invited to a friend's house? In general, a kid shouldn't be alone in a situation until they're prepared to handle the kinds of things that might go wrong there.

• Make sure they know your phone number (I taught mine as a jingle) and/or have some other way to reach you. This reduces the risk that they need help and can't get it, and I suspect being able to talk with an adult who was checking in on them would offer a good opportunity to defuse the situation.

• Talk with other parents. We spend a good amount of time at the local playground, and we know a lot of the other families there. In casual conversation I'll bring up attitudes towards kids being around solo, enough that if someone started asking around ("hey, is anyone watching that kid in the yellow shirt; I don't see a parent") there's a good chance someone would say something ("that's <kid>, she lives over there and her parents know she's here").

• Be in a place where this sort of thing is reasonably common. In Somerville I see a lot of kids around by themselves; places where walking is a typical mode are probably good for this.

• Think carefully about whether your specific kid is ready for the specific situation. Are they the kind of kid who can explain what's going on to an authority figure? If an adult asks if they're ok and they respond clearly the risk is much lower than if they won't engage.

These aren't just ways to avoid trouble with authorities, they're good proactive parenting. Work with your kid to understand what they're ready for, and help them take on challenges at the edge of their ability.

Overall, like most of parenting, it's a matter of finding a good balance. There are large benefits to kids of being able to spend time outside, visit their friends, choose how to spend their time, and generally become more independent, and while we shouldn't neglect unlikely-but-serious risks we also shouldn't fall into thinking these outcomes are common.